Of Cockroaches and Law...

So finally it happened. Despite my fervent prayers no earthquake occurred, the faculty building was as intact and as scary as ever and instead of rubble and chaos a perfectly serene morning greeted me with a sarcastic smile.” Now where shall you hide?” It seemed to remark with that look which shrinks you a zillion times.

As I woke up I could hear people outside. People getting ready for the war that was to ensue in a couple of hours. Infact some early birds were already in battle-gear. For a moment nothing made sense as I again messed my sense of time, place and era which I usually do when I wake up from sleep.(I usually wake up thinking that I’m in Guwahati and have to go to college when I’m at Nagpur and the reverse happens when I am at home.)

But one look at my table straight up ahead and I was jolted back to reality. The ultra-thick book was the exalted I-T Act and below that was the Gupta and Ahuja and half open and fluttering menacingly in the cooler air was the Hand-book on Salaries which had been opened for the first time just the night before. It seemed that they were all demons from the nether-world ready to pounce at me any moment. For a moment I wished fervently that I somehow wake up in Guwahati and do have to go to college instead of facing the home test.

Yes, that was what the scary reality was. It was the day of the first paper of the first home test. A lengthy question paper on I-T theory (without books) was lying in ambush somewhere close by. Despite unending hours of wasting time at the billiards table trying to escape reality and aimless discussions on the worthlessness of the home tests I wasn’t able to escape it after all. And here I was sitting in my bed contemplating a messed up table in front of my bed and an even messed up day that would unfold soon.

“You have faced more difficult exams a million times before... And this is not an exam after all...Nothing really matters...You will write something...Chalta hai be...” Despite all these vague attempts at reassuring myself there was something sinister about the home-tests that was psyching me out. May be it was the realization that I had not prepared at all and that finally there would be no CA or a KTP (Kind Type Probationer) to bail me out and I have to finally face the dreaded duo of law and accounts-two things which occur quite high in my ‘most hated’ list.

Maybe it was the knowledge that with a face that mirrors a thousand nerds I was quite safe from the probing gaze of the faculty which would pounce on a hapless soul trying to have a little fun here and there and haul him and shove him in the burning hell-fire of a bonds, debentures, consignment accounts, debits, credits and conduct rules.(Let me clarify that notwithstanding anything thought by anyone ‘he’/ ‘him’ includes ‘she’/’her’ without prejudice ) And with some smart questioning tactics (though I always had my doubts on the validity of the questions or even their sense!) I would camouflage my glorious ignorance and coat it with an intellectual gaze which till now was working quite well in the class-room sessions. No wonder despite being shifted to the front rows I had still managed to sit at the back and sleep without being detected even once even when others were being singled out.

What was best was that this also worked with your colleagues who would rate me quite high on the knowledge scale (I mean knowledge of the hell-fire type. P.S.- see above).So I could sleep gloriously and wander to far off realms while all the time others would think that its a great mind of a boring KTP at work.

But now I was faced with a crisis. The home tests had the potential of bringing down the curtains on my excitingly boring world. If I flunked (and there was no doubt I would) I would be a big blip on the radar of both the faculty and colleagues. The faculty would take notice and soon the decoy would be discovered while the colleagues would also discover sudden interest at finding one of their own kinds. What this meant was that my excitingly boring world would be torn to shreds with unsolicited attention of various kinds. Added to this was the spectre of extra remedial classes and even more boring sermons on how to cope up with I-T. Needless to say sitting on my bed for a moment I wished fervently that I somehow wake up in Guwahati and do have to go to college instead of facing the home test.

But this also made me realise some truths. Though as usual it made sense only to me and despite trying I could not capture its slippery fluidity, nevertheless I have tried to somehow hold it and paste it here. So I warn you beforehand that what you are going to read may not make any sense at all. Nevertheless I would go ahead with the profound realizations that I have had. They are as follows:

At NADT there are various kinds of creatures. There are the lions namely the Chartered Accountants who stroll regally putting all other creatures in awe and seamlessly come out of difficult sums when creatures like me are still contemplating whether to scream or run away.

Then there are the tigers namely the Lawyers. These creatures are masters getting the meaning of endlessly convoluted and boring sentence which go by the name of ‘sections’ of the Act. And by dint of their sheer ability to decode any amount of undecipherable mumbo-jumbo they are right at the apex along with the lions.

Then there are foxes and hyenas who are the engineers and commerce graduates (not necessarily in that order) who are masters at adapting to the situation. So when the lion or the tiger makes the kill and have their fill these creatures rule the roost.

Then there are the simple herbivores who strive endlessly by consuming endlessly. So you see them succeeding by merely devouring up any amount of theory and then ruminating over them to extract the meaning.

And finally there are cockroaches of which species I am a proud member of. These creatures are survivors. Running from one dark spot to the other to evade exposure these creatures are masters at dodging discovery by various means. But these are also one of the most worthless creatures who are just wasting time in sleep or any other pursuit except studies.
Now since I am a member of this species allow me to describe it a little more. The cockroaches also are not a homogenous group. Unfortunately and to the utter dismay of Marx, The cockroaches also have a well defined class structure though it may not be as rigid as that of their near neighbours-the humans.

Thus there are cockroaches who are the proletariat-they are an object of ridicule and everyone has given up on them including themselves. They themselves also have accepted this fact and therefore they openly indulge in more exciting activities than deciphering the I-T Act and Balance sheets. Thus they can crawl openly in the light without the fear of being swatted into oblivion. Then there are cockroaches who are the upper-middle class. They are the ones who are thought to have some potential but are thought to have no will or motivation. Finally there is the bourgeoisie. The highest yet the most worthless class of cockroaches of which I am a stellar example. These cockroaches have a exo-skeleton which resemble the lions or at the very least the foxes and the hyenas. Thus they roam round without the fear of being breached as long as there is no test to pass through. But the moment there’s a test of ability these cockroaches run the risk of being exposed and then mercilessly battered to submission. Needless to say sitting on my bed for a moment I wished fervently that I somehow wake up in Guwahati and do have to go to college instead of facing the home test.

I did have many more profound realizations but lemme keep it for some other clime for now I can hear hurried footsteps of battle hardened warriors and the glorious roar of the lions and tigers while I still sit in my bed and wish fervently that I somehow wake up in Guwahati and do have to go to college instead of facing the home test...

Disclaimer: (As worthless as the cockroach in question) Nothing personal here. So nobody should take any offence especially the tigers, the lions and the foxes and hyenas :) Treat it as (il)legal fiction created :) there you go again...